Redline

In view of the discovery that I have more new-ish people reading my blog of late, I have been inspired to update. My life has been hell-busy, especially so in the past few days. With the running of the OGL Camp (which was a resounding success; oh yeah!) and orientation itself around the corner, most of the goings-on I have are council-related. With the interest of not-boring you guys, and not divulging too much council thingies, I'll talk about this movie I watched the other day called Redline.

I don't get much breaks as it is, and when I do get a break, I'm often determined to make them count. When I hang, I dooooo hang, and chill. When I watch a movie, I go in with high expectations; the holiday period will only allow me to watch one single movie...I wanted "Golden Compass" (It's a kick-ass book, don't be a hater) or Warlord (even if it's Chinese), but when the 4A guys went out on Hari Raya, neither of them and settled for something which..."Looks quite nice," from what Ching Yong saw from the trailers.

Here's a poster, and looking at it, I think it looks nice too. The cars look good. But I should have sensed something when I saw that the wheels burned; a visual metaphor representing how "hot" the cars are. And the tagline, while catchy, is way too cliche.



So I thought I was going to enjoy myself but goodness, when the movie started rolling, I threw my expectations of a good time outta the window. After my expectations went out of the window, my dignity went too, because I felt all sense of...self-love I have for myself spewing out of my eyes. Imagine a movie about geography which involves an excruciating 2-hour soliloquy on the formation of limestone formations (all gajillions of them)...this movie is worse than that. At least the geography film rocks.

ROCKS. Geddit?

The following paragraph is a painful recount of the movie, and I suggest you read it because it is stupid, and I know you like stupid.

So anyways, the movie starts with an African American Man getting his car fixed in some luxury-car repair shop. As he does this, he spots a band playing, with this band having the female lead of the show, Ms Doofus, as...well, the lead of the band. She's singing songs about..."steering my wheel", "touching my rims", "driving me all night"...It'll all be fine and dandy if she was a car; only thing she's got in common with a car is...JUNK IN THE TRUNK. Gah.

So African American Man is dubious of her credibility as a mechanic, so Ms Doofus agrees to test-drive the car. And she does so, splendidly. African American Man then asks her to be perform in this "race" he is setting up, which turns out to be an illegal racing ring of some sort. In the process, it is revealed that Ms Doofus has a father who was a Nascra driver, but he passed away in an accident. Btw, I did not make Nascra up, that was how they spelled it. Presumably, they couldn't get Nascar to back their film, and again, presumably, Nascar had the smarts not to associate themselves with said film.

At the same time, Iraqi Returnee returns from Iraq and meets his brother, Handsome-but-Stupid. Handsome-but-Stupid has an awesome car, and when he stops to pick his brother up, two Chinese gangsters attempt to car-jack him. Iraqi Returnee promptly shows up and kick the two gangsters asses. His lack of fear when faced by the barrel of a gun is astounding. They make small talk, and we see development in their relationship; Iraqi Returnee cares for his brother, yet the brother lives recklessly, under the wing of their "evil" uncle, who is running some sort of business which is never specified.

We return to Ms Doofus who is on the plane of African American Man; they are on their way to the gig. There is a scene on the plane involving African American Man arguing with one of his "hoes", and then the plane lands in the middle of the desert to let the "hoe" alight. The scene was completely random, and made no impact on the story whatsoever.

Handsome-but-Stupid, eager to assimilate his brother back into society brings him into the club where the music is pumping-pumping. Ms Doofus happens to be there at the same time, and as Iraqi Returnee enters the club, they make intense eye-contact. Ms Doofus gets chatted up by some guy, and this guy tries to get her to dance by pulling her by the arm. Iraqi Returnee comes along, punches the guy in the face and beats him up. Other patrons try to stop the fight, and I would have done the same, but Iraqi Returnee beats nearly the whole club up. He makes his exit by jumping out of the window (it seems like my "expectations" have set some sorta trend here) and landing on Handsome-but-Stupid's car.

Here's where everything goes crazy-ier. Two guys get on a car to give chase. Why? I don't know why. So they drive around in their fancy cars at break-neck speed and it's really retarded but they somehow lose the guys...but again, it serves nothing to further the plot.

Ahh...I shit you not.

We are brought to a desert somewhere where this high-stake illegal races are being held. It's hosted by Elvis and there's random hot girls around. They also show a scene of a car being washed by a bunch of hot chicks for no apparent reason. Anyway, the races are on, and African American Man has commissioned someone to drive on his behalf, but this guy gets injured so...he gets Ms Doofus to drive. She was reluctant, but she proved to be a sell-out. Iraqi Returnee was also there, accompanying Handsome-but-Stupid. It's revealed that Handsome races for his uncle..."evil" uncle, I mean.

Before the race, the uncle brings Handsome-but-Stupid aside, and you know the saying..."Grab life by the balls,"? Uncle grabs Handsome's balls in a threatening manner, which was way too creepy.

At this point, me and my classmates were all expecting Handsome to die. And we were right.

So Handsome's racing against Ms Doofus and in a bid to win, Handsome turns on his "NITRO BOOSTERS" which makes the car go fast...but it made the car fly up in the sky too, like whoosh. Somehow, it lands just after the finish line, so Handsome wins, but he dies, and he dies in SLOW-MOTION IN AN EXPLOSION, and he mouths "I won, brother...I WON!!!" to Iraqi Returnee who goes all emo and crap and starts beating the tarmac and moaning and going being a baby.

Ahh...I'm running out of time, and this is taking way too long! I should have planned this out more, no? If I've the time, I'll complete this work of art, but if not, I'll just give a rundown on some of the memorable scenes of Redline.

-Iraqi sneaks into his uncles house Mission Impossible style. It was soooo lame and cheesy me and Ryan were laughing the whole time.
-As a helicopter lands somewhere, 4 women perform yoga in the background.
-As 4 men play poker, tons of curvy women parade in the background. T&A indeed.
-Iraqi escapes in a car and when he disposes of the car, they suddenly shift to this scene, which had me crapping my pants in HAHAs. You had to be there.


-As they shift to the final race, one of the opponents is apparently the killer of Ms Doofus' father, who was said to have died of an "accident". Let's put plot-inconsistencies aside one second...and let's mock the lack of build-up, and failed attempt at adding drama. HAH!

That's about it for me today! Have to work out Orientation Programs and that's going to be crazy hours sitting in front of the computer. Ciaossu!

Sidenote: I don't seem to be feeling Christmas this year :(. Crappity.