Raymond Angelo is the Exoticoption.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Becoming Alpha




I watched Beowulf yesterday with a bunch of my Quest mates; it was Nigel's birthday. The bastard got a Playstation 3 for his birthday. I want to kill him, like, murder him slowly, maybe smash his Playstation 3 against his head, just for kicks, but I won't. What I'll shove a pencil through his ear hole, and wait for it to bleed to death.
Gahahaah. That's what he gets for getting a Playstation 3. Get a Wii, damnit!

Anyways, back to Beowulf. Beowulf, both the movie and the character, is completely pointless, wanton and a general waste of time and money. It seems like it does things just for the sake of doing it, with no basis whatsoever. I deeply admire Beowulf (the character) and his quest for self-gratifying glory; I too wish to be that narcissistic when I am of that age.

But must he take off his pants while fighting the giant/ogre/troll (they used all three to refer to him) Grendel?
He said he wanted to fight this creature...unarmed. So he tosses aside his armor, which is fine, and his weapons, which is fine too, but then he takes off his undies, and all of a sudden, I'm seeing things I never want to see again. It's like Sentosa all over again, seriously! They censored his privates...badly, but the vision of his backside will take litres of coke to erase. No matter how "perfect" he might be, he's still a guy, and last time I checked, I was straight, bearing no interest in seeing his butt.

So...they show off his butt gratuitously. How is the one-eyed-trouser-snake (I'm sorry) treated? It, as I mentioned in the last paragraph, is censored...with strategically places props. I imagine the directors having a conversation which follows as such--


Incompetence: Hey, his privates are going to appear on the screen when he turns around.

Stupidity: Name me something which can hinder his ding-dongs from view.

Incompetence: An arm?

Stupidity: Excellent. Barbarian #1 will, through sheer coincidence, stand at this position, so as to obscure the audience's vision of his wand.

Incompetence: You are brilliant. Would you marry me?
Stupidity: Excuse me?


Ahh...yes, only gays could have made the atrocity that was Beowulf. Not that I got anything against gays, just so you know. Anyways! Their censorship of his penis was ridiculous! Let's place a jar! Now a glass! Now a lamp!
Here's a solution! Wear underwear! And he did too, at the later part of the film. Gah. If only he had done it earlier, but no, they wanted us to see his buttocks.

And the battle with Grendel...goodness that was horrible. So...so...so horrible.


Moving on to other aspects of Beowulf (the movie) that I didn't like, the story itself made no sense. Seriously...no sense at all. So Beowulf (the character) is a guy who lives to glorify himself...right...and this demon...seduces him...Why? Because she's a demon. She seduces the king, too. Why? Because she's a demon. And everything else that she does? Why? Because she's a demon. They say the devil is in the details, but in this case, it's the demons. She's not in the details though. There are no details. Just a "plot" to be taken at face-value.


And this demon...is Angelina Jolie? Why? Because she's hot? Seriously, what a waste. She was plonked in just for her star value, and nothing more. She acted, but my god, the accent she put on was horrible, and I could barely understand her. Why, Angelina?


All in all, Beowulf (the movie, and I think you're pretty irritated by now, no?) is a series of questions, which are never answered. Why 3D? Why kill? Why the dragon? Why the sword? Why is everyone so ugly? Why Why Why YYYYYYYY?!

Ultimately though, there's just one thing you should ask yourself. "Should I watch this movie?"
"No," Go donate to a charity of your choosing. Get a manicure, get a padicure. Go eat frog legs. Just please, don't watch this movie.

Admittedly, the graphics are ground-breaking, but what does it achieve? It certainly failed to make the movie any more appealing, and hence forth, a waste. Sigh.

On other news: I had lunch with our batch of Clan Heads today, and they're a bleeding fun bunch of people, and I can't help but look forward to working with them :)

1 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home


 
Locations of visitors to this page Free Web Counter
Free Web Counter